


The Case of Jane's Fedora

by rezi



Series: Crocker and Pyrope [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Detectives, Gen, Post-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-13 04:18:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1212397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How a missing hat launches an interplanetary scandal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt given by 'not a robot': "There's always plenty you can do starting with the circumvention of extremely sophisticated security systems and the theft of seemingly inconsequential items." Locked doors and windows are hardly sophisticated, but I hope you like it anyway!

03:42 --  
J4N3 CROCK3R G3TS B4CK TO H3R H1V3. SH3 LOCKS TH3 FRONT DOOR, TH3N TH3 B4CK DOOR [UPON QU3ST1ON1NG, SH3 R3PL13D TH4T TH1S W4S OUT OF H4B1T 4 ROUT1N3 OCCUR3NC3, NOT 4 ON3-OFF]

03:49 --  
FOLLOW1NG 4 BR13F 34RLY MORN1NG SN4CK [TWO M4GD4L3N4S, 4G41N NOTH1NG OUT OF TH3 ORD1N4RY] J4N3 CROCK3R PROC33DS TO H3R R3SP1T3BLOCK SH3 PL4C3S H3R F3DOR4 ON TH3 DR3SS3R, 4S USU4L.

03:51 --  
4FT3R LOCK1NG H3R R3SP1T3BLOCK DOOR 4ND TH3 W1NDOW, J4N3 CROCK3R CH4NG3S 1NTO H3R P4J4M4S.

03:59 --  
J4N3 CROCK3R GO3S TO SL33P H3R F3DOR4 1S ST1LL ON H3R DR3SS3R.

"Is that all?"

"Yes!" The usually restrained Jane is now pulling at her hair in frustration.

10:31 --  
J4N3 CROCK3R W4K3S UP. H3R F3DOR4 1S GON3.

Hardly an intense case, but it's all you can get right now. And, as you hear mutter every few minutes (interspersed with the occasional exasperated sigh and/or head-in-hands): "I've had it all my life! I _can't_ have lost it!"

It's mysterious. It's confounding. It probably has some incredibly simple solution which will seem entirely obvious in hindsight, but it's occupying you sufficiently for now.

You continue snooping around her respiteblock. There's not a trace of anything suspect on the dresser, where Jane has emphatically reiterated that she'd placed it just this morning. Neither can you smell even a single particle of dust out of place... well, not before you accidentally sniff the dust up your nose and sneeze.

After scolding you for contaminating the crime scene with sneeze germs, she again asserts that nothing is different in here whatsoever. The window and door are still locked. The dresser has not moved an inch. And, as she insists after you whip out your measurement numerating rod (or, as it is known in highblood circles, a ruler), it would be best if you took her word for that.

"Well, if there's nothing to see, why did you call me here?"

Scrunching her eyes shut and pursing her lips for a few seconds, she eventually gives you a frustrated answer: "I just wanted some sort of second opinion, I guess. So I knew I wasn't going mad. Go if you want to, I'll just retrace my steps..."

It looks like she's just going to continue skulking around her room, so you slip out through the front door and make your way to the main street.

***

INFORMATION:

APART FROM SMALL-SCALE CARAPACIAN AND CONSORT PUBLICATIONS, THE CITY OF CAN TOWN HAS THREE WIDELY CIRCULATED NEWSPAPERS, PUBLISHED DAILY:

1\. THE EARLY EARFUL  
EDITED BY ROXY LALONDE. NEW ISSUES HIT THE STREETS AT 4AM. CONSISTS NEARLY ENTIRELY OF TEXTSPEAK, JOKES AND CARTOONS; RARELY ANY NEWS, BARRING GOSSIP. GOOD FOR LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT IN THE EARLY MORNING. THE MOST POPULAR NEWSPAPER AMONG CONSORTS.

2\. THE MIDDAY MANGLE  
EDITED BY JOHN EGBERT. AS THE TITLE SUGGESTS, SOLD FROM MIDDAY ONWARDS. GENERALLY COMMUNITY NEWS, HAS A GENERALLY LIGHT-HEARTED FEEL. A FUN READ AROUND LUNCHTIME. THE MOST POPULAR NEWSPAPER AMONG CARAPACIANS.

3\. UPDATE AT LATE  
EDITED BY ROSE LALONDE. SURFACES AROUND 8PM EACH NIGHT. FOND OF REPORTING ON POLITICAL INTRIGUE, HIGH TREASON AND OTHER DEVASTATION. AS THESE ARE RARE IN A TOWN SO SOUNDLY GOVERNED BY ITS BELOVED MAYOR, A GOOD PORTION OF THE NEWSPAPER IS OFTEN DEDICATED TO SATIRE.

***

The White Sun is high in the sky, its light smelling creamy on the bustling street around you. Prospitians and Dersites scurry about in opposite directions, moving along the paving stones one at a time. You notice a Prospitian and a Dersite at an impassé, standing facing each other with both refusing to move. This situation continues until another Prospitian comes along next to the former and shoves the offending Dersite out of the way. Play continues.

You dart past a pompous-smelling Dersite who insists on gliding about diagonally, calling out to greet a friendly consort nakking on about the Midday Mangle. You buy it every day, along with the other two newspapers, so you can add to your meticulously maintained archive at hive. Whenever the next dastardly crime shakes the city to its core, you will be able to pore through sweeps' worth of media to track the crime to its source and eliminate it! Not that you've ever actually needed it for this purpose -- the Authority Regulators deal with most crime, leaving you fairly low on actual investigation. But no one can say you're not prepared.

Dragging your tongue across the headline, it's immediately obvious that this issue is just as low on actual useful content as usual. "CONDESCE TAKES UP KNITTING"? You were hardly expecting gritty drama, but... seriously, John?

Well, it could be worse. A few days ago the front page consisted entirely of him chattering excitedly about the White Queen attending a screening of Con Air.

Seeing as you've got this, you may as well turn to the Lost and Found sectiont to see what other hapless victims have lost precious heirlooms. Is this what you've resorted to? The great Terezi Pyrope, investigating a missing hat? Well, everyone has to start small.

You retreat to the town's one and only shady alleyway. Really, it's not so much an alleyway as it is a gap between can-shaped buildings, a rare mistake from the beloved city planner and constantly re-elected Mayor. (Of course he was forgiven for this simple architectural mishap, it's impossible to hold anything against that awesome little guy. Everyone loves the Mayor!) You lean against the aluminium wall in your trademark nonchalant, hardboiled way, flipping to the Lost and Found section. There's Jane's ad, of course, but that's far from the only one...

All four B2 kids, all with a single item stolen, all on the same day...

You're beginning to smell a pattern here. It excites the nose, tingling for you to untangle the threads. You haven't felt like this in a long time.

This might be worth investigating after all. 

***

INFORMATION:

EACH CAN TOWN RESIDENT HAS THEIR OWN UNIQUE TELEPHONE NUMBER, ASSIGNED TO THEM BY A SPECIAL CODE. THE PHONE NUMBERS OF EACH FORMER SBURB/SGRUB PLAYER ARE LISTED BELOW:

JOHN EGBERT: 413-1025-5646  
ROSE LALONDE: 413-1025-7673  
DAVE STRIDER: 413-1025-3283  
JADE HARLEY: 413-1025-5233  
JANE CROCKER: 413-1111-5263  
JAKE ENGLISH: 413-1111-5253  
ROXY LALONDE: 413-1111-7699  
DIRK STRIDER: 413-1111-3475  
ARADIA MEGIDO: 612-1025-2723  
TAVROS NITRAM: 612-1025-8287  
SOLLUX CAPTOR: 612-1025-7655  
KARKAT VANTAS: 612-1025-5275  
NEPETA LEIJON: 612-1025-6373  
KANAYA MARYAM: 612-1025-5262  
TEREZI PYROPE: 612-1025-8373  
VRISKA SERKET: 612-1025-8747  
EQUIUS ZAHHAK: 612-1025-3784  
GAMZEE MAKARA: 612-1025-4269  
ERIDAN AMPORA: 612-1025-3743  
FEFERI PEIXES: 612-1025-3333  
DAMARA MEGIDO: 612-1111-3262  
RUFIOH NITRAM: 612-1111-7834  
MITUNA CAPTOR: 612-1111-6488  
KANKRI VANTAS: 612-1111-5265  
MEULIN LEIJON: 612-1111-6385  
PORRIM MARYAM: 612-1111-7477  
LATULA PYROPE: 612-1111-5288  
ARANEA SERKET: 612-1111-2726  
HORUSS ZAHHAK: 612-1111-4678  
KURLOZ MAKARA: 612-1111-5875  
CRONUS AMPORA: 612-1111-2766  
MEENAH PEIXES: 612-1111-6336  
CALLIOPE: 413-1111-2255  
CALIBORN: N/A (CURRENTLY INCARCERATED IN DERSE PENITENTIARY)

***

It was just seconds ago you called Dave over to your hive and he's already lounging at your front desk, a mess of paper swept aside so he can laze with his legs draped all over its surface.

But you're not going to complain. That'd be hypocritical; you're just as bad. And besides, now is business time.

"Phone," you command. He brings out his flippy red phone and flips it open open and shut a few times for good measure. You clutch it to stay open: "Call Dirk. On speakerphone. I'm calling Roxy. Jane, when she arrives, is dealing with Jake."

He nods so imperceptibly it's as if his head head didn't even move (but you smelt it -- nothing escapes your nose) and follows your order. You do likewise, navigating the interface on your glasses to the contacts and to one contact in particular: 'ROXY L4LOND3'. Soon the room is filled with your hubbub:

DAVE: hey bro  
DIRK: Sup.  
DAVE: rezis making me call you for some reason  
DAVE: probably one of the speakerphone interrogation things she does  
DIRK: Speakerphone interrogation?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: we stand around talking to people on the phone on speakerphone so both of us can hear who each other is interviewing  
DAVE: basically ends up a big noisy mess  
DIRK: Sounds like her.  
DAVE: got that right  
DIRK: So, what are you getting all Spanish Inquisition on my ass about?

ROXY: heyyy  
ROXY: rolal here  
ROXY: whos there  
TEREZI: ROXY!  
ROXY: oh hey terezi!  
ROXY: what brings you to my phone number  
ROXY: OH  
ROXY: did you see the front page of the earful this morning???  
TEREZI: NO  
TEREZI: 1 BOUGHT 1T BUT H4V3NT R34D 1T Y3T  
ROXY: make sure you do before 2nite!!  
TEREZI: OK?  
TEREZI: 1 D1DNT COM3 TO T4LK 4BOUT TH4T THOUGH  
TEREZI: 1 S4W YOUR 4D 1N TH3 M1DD4Y M4NGL3

DAVE: shes talking to roxy right now  
DAVE: about her ad in the mangle  
DAVE: you know anything bout that  
DIRK: Jack shit.  
DIRK: But I do know I placed one too.  
DIRK: In the Lost & Found.  
DAVE: oh yeah  
DAVE: what have you lost  
DAVE: or found i guess  
DIRK: Lil Cal.  
DIRK: He's gone missing.  
DAVE: oh shit

It's at this point that Jane turns up, looking somewhat naked without her trademark fedora. But all you see is opportunity: the opportunity to have a speakerphone interrogation more cacophonic than ever before. Dave's eyes widen in fright realising the absolute noisy hell you're about to enter into (you're yet to inform him that you can smell what goes on behind those sunglasses), but it's too late: you mime a phone to Jane and gesture for her to put it in your hand, all while Roxy is still talking:

ROXY: so someone saw my shitty ad huh  
ROXY: please dont think im weird for wanting to find a dead cat  
ROXY: mutie meant a lot to me and always will  
ROXY: dead or alive  
ROXY: i cant bear to be without him  
TEREZI: NO 1 DONT TH1NK TH4TS W31RD  
TEREZI: 1M L1K3 TH4T TOO  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4TS WHY  
TEREZI: 1 W4NT TO H3LP YOU F1ND H1M!  
ROXY: yay! :3

DIRK: "Oh shit", alright.  
DIRK: He's harmless usually. But either someone's taken him, which means someone has an ulterior motive for using him, or he's gone off on his own, which means he's not as harmless as we thought.  
DIRK: Either way, we're in deep "oh shit".

You scroll to the name 'Jake English' in her contacts and call, pressing the phone to her ear and continuing your interrogation of Miss Lalonde without missing a step:

TEREZI: SO HOW D1D YOU LOS3 H1M  
ROXY: nothing special  
ROXY: at the end he just  
ROXY: dont even know how to describe it  
ROXY: like he malfunctioned  
ROXY: stopped working one day all of the sudden  
ROXY: was gonna happen one day  
ROXY: lil guy would never have long to live with all those mutations :(  
TEREZI: MY D33P3ST CONDOL3NC3S, M1SS L4LOND3  
TEREZI: HOW3V3R 1 W4S 4SK1NG 4BOUT YOU LOS1NG H1M TH1S MORN1NG  
ROXY: oh right  
ROXY: simple  
ROXY: he was there  
ROXY: he was always there  
ROXY: and then he wasnt

JANE: Hello, Jake?  
JAKE: Janey! You have to help me with your sleuthing prowess! Ive lost my fucking prized pistols!  
JANE: Calm down! I'll sleuth out the location of your pistols for you, Jake. But first--  
JAKE: But they were just gone! Disappeared! Theyve downright bleedin vanished!  
JANE: Jake!  
JANE: Breathe!  
JANE: I can't make heads nor tails of what you're saying!  
JAKE: I... I...  
JAKE: *wheeze.*  
JAKE: Ok.  
JANE: Very good. Now, could you tell me what happened? And slowly!  
JAKE: Well it was really quite simple.  
JAKE: They were just... Gone.

DAVE: howd you lose him  
DIRK: You think I know?  
DIRK: If I did, I'd be out looking for him.  
DIRK: But really, I have no fucking clue. Clueless as the antithesis of Sherlock Holmes.  
DIRK: I keep him on a shelf most of the time. Just sitting there, eyes lined up to be in contact with anyone entering the room.  
DAVE: yeah i really wish you wouldnt do that  
DIRK: Yeah, well, your wish's fucking granted. Can't do it any more if he's gone. Happy now?  
DAVE: but what exactly happened that you remember  
DIRK: Nothing.  
DIRK: It was like the perfect vanishing act.  
DIRK: Now you see him, now you don't.

TEREZI: WH4T W3R3 YOU DO1NG 4T TH3 T1M3?  
ROXY: id just sent the final draft of the early earful to be printed  
ROXY: i was hecka tired from the writing and editing and shit  
ROXY: so i was about to go to bed  
ROXY: but first i had to say goodnight to my kitty shelf  
ROXY: which is uhh  
ROXY: a shelf where i keep all my favorite my old cats preserved in glass  
ROXY: and i have to say goodnight to them every night  
TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H44444!!!!  
ROXY: rude!!  
TEREZI: SORRY  
TEREZI: 1 W4SNT L4UGH1NG 4T YOU  
TEREZI: 1 OV3RH34RD SOM3TH1NG H1L4R1OUS  
ROXY: oh yeah?  
ROXY: what was it  
TEREZI: N3V3R M1ND  
TEREZI: C4RRY ON

JANE: More detail please, Jake?  
JAKE: Oh erm...  
JANE: What were you doing at the time, for instance?  
JAKE: Impressing the ladies with my superb shooting skills!  
JANE: Ah, one of them might be our culprit!  
JAKE: Um. I dont think so.  
JANE: Never underestimate a lady, Jake.  
JANE: Who was there?  
JAKE: Well if you want to know then neytiri was there and  
JANE: Jake, were they blue ladies on posters?  
JAKE: Yes.  
JANE: Okay.  
JAKE: Good grief it sounds like somethings getting slaughtered there!  
JAKE: Is everything alright???  
JANE: Yes, that's just Terezi laughing.  
JANE: Don't worry about her, just carry on.  
JAKE: Okay...

DAVE: so what were you doing when it happened  
DIRK: Do I have to say?  
DAVE: you kinda do  
DAVE: could be like the key to our investigation or something  
DIRK: I really don't think it would be.  
DAVE: just say it already  
DIRK: Fine, I was jacking off.  
DAVE: oh my fucking god  
DAVE: you were jacking it while looking at lil cal  
DAVE: please tell me youre not serious  
DAVE: TEREZI SHUT UP  
DIRK: Jesus, that girl's laugh could cause earthquakes.  
DIRK: And for the record, I wasn't jacking off to Cal. I'm not that bad.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: go on then

ROXY: muties usually in prime position on my kitty shelf  
ROXY: cant miss him  
ROXY: except this morning i did  
ROXY: went to say goodnight to a fuckin empty space  
ROXY: he hadnt dropped off anywhere  
ROXY: wasnt hidden behind another cat  
ROXY: just disappeared  
ROXY: and i knew hed been there earlier  
ROXY: id said hello  
ROXY: couldnt put an ad in the early earful now it was already finalized  
ROXY: so i emailed john the ad and then you saw it  
ROXY: end of story

JAKE: Well afterwards i was just strolling along back to the main house from my underground shooting range and polishing my gun when i passed my gun rack.  
JAKE: Now the pistols in question are always on show. Always shiny and bright. Really theres no way of missing them if theyre there.  
JAKE: But they werent!  
JAKE: No trace of them!  
JAKE: No fingerprints or anything around their spot at all!  
JAKE: But my golden guns right next to them hadnt even been touched...  
JANE: Yes, it would make more sense for people to steal those.  
JAKE: So i called our boy john to put it in his newspaper and maybe get people investigating this queer matter.  
JAKE: Really damn fucking peculiar isnt it janey?

DIRK: Again, for the record, I had my eyes closed.  
DIRK: And Cal had been there before. No doubt about it whatsoever. The room was brightly lit, I _had_ been able to see him. Even gave him a fistbump when I came in the room, I remember.  
DIRK: When I opened my eyes? Not a trace of him in sight.  
DIRK: Thought he might have fallen off, but I looked around and still found nothing.  
DIRK: He's gone, alright.  
DIRK: I thought maybe putting an ad in one of the newspapers would help. If people knew he was gone and how serious it was, maybe we'd be more prepared for whatever ended up happening.  
DIRK: It was too late for the Early Earful, so I hit John up and into the Mangle it went.  
DIRK: And I guess that's when Terezi started poking her nose in.

TEREZI: D1D YOU NOT1C3 4NYTH1NG ODD?  
ROXY: not really  
ROXY: i think there might have been a bright flash or two at some point but i probably imagined that  
ROXY: took it as a sign i needed to get some sleep  
ROXY: do you think someone might have deappearified it???  
TEREZI: HMMMM  
TEREZI: TH4T 1S 4 POSS1B1L1TY  
TEREZI: BUT TH4NK YOU FOR H3LP1NG W1TH TH3 1NV3ST1G4T1ON!  
ROXY: thanks for investigating :)  
ROXY: oh oh oh!!  
ROXY: u comin 2 the rally???  
TEREZI: UH  
TEREZI: NO?  
ROXY: shame  
ROXY: cya then

JANE: Hmm...  
JANE: Was there anything you did spot that was out of the ordinary in any way?  
JAKE: No! Thats the thing!  
JAKE: There was not one single god damn thing out of place!  
JAKE: Nothing different whatsoever! Not even a TRACE of anything that might be classified as vaguely fucking fishy!  
JANE: Well, this is quite the pickle we've got on our hands!  
JAKE: Indubitably!  
JAKE: Ive given my gray matter a good workout trying to figure it out but quite frankly im stumped!  
JAKE: So good luck to you and your crack team!  
JANE: Thank you!  
JANE: And will I be seeing you at the rally?  
JAKE: Most certainly!  
JANE: In which case, till then!

DAVE: was there anything weird that you noticed  
DIRK: What, apart from Cal vanishing?  
DIRK: Nope.  
DIRK: Well, there was one little thing different. Just a few white hairs on the floor. They weren't there before, that I remember. I thought they were puppet stuffing at first, but I remember them being a little too soft for that. Puppet stuffing fibers are generally longer and coarser.  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: anything else you wanna say  
DAVE: cos terezis pretty much done now  
DIRK: Nah, that's all I got.  
DIRK: You coming to the rally tonight?  
DAVE: hell yes i am  
DIRK: Cool.  
DIRK: See you there, bro.

You all hang up simultaneously. A deliciously smooth conclusion to a gloriously chaotic interrogation. Just how you like it.

Now it's time to piece together the facts.

But first, there's one mystery you'd like clearing up. "What's this rally thing?"

Dave raises an eyebrow. "I thought you actually read the newspaper. Or licked it, or whatever."

"Does the Midday Mangle actually even count as a _news_ paper? Because John Egbert and I do not see eye-to-nose on the definition of 'news'."

After giggling (slightly nervously - you can tell she's still pent-up with stress from this morning), Jane clues you in: "It's on Main Street tonight. If you want to find out more, why not come along?"

You file this away in your head, probably to be forgotten later (you only give a fraction of a shit about this thing, whatever it is), and get down to business: "All right. So, what do we have here? Four thefts! Fou--"

"Objection," Dave says, just like in your favourite Ace Legislacerator games. The difference here is that he's far too cool/stoic/just plain lazy (delete as appropriate) to actually bother shouting it or even move his hand more than a few inches. (Also he is way hotter than Troll Phoenix Wright. Just saying.) "How do we know they're thefts?"

You rub your hands together in glee: "Things don't just disappear of their own accord! You heard it from all three of them, they just vanished! They were there..." Pause for effect. "And then they weren't!"

"True, but what kind of thief would leave no tracks?" Jane posits. "Thieves can't just disappear either!"

Dave's raised the _other_ eyebrow too now. Shit must be getting serious! "Says the girl whose kinda-daughter is a teleporting space dog."

As Jane looks rather sheepish, you continue that line of reasoning: "Teleporting... It's the only way! Like Roxy said, they could have been deappearified! And there wouldn't have been any traces left!"

"OBJECTION!" That's the spirit! Jane's really getting into this: "The white hairs Dirk found!"

"Puppet stuffing," Dave shrugs. "You know what weird stuff that guy's into."

But she's enjoying this too much to stop: "Oh, no, he said not puppet stuffing, didn't you hear? Too short, too soft! Not puppet stuffing, but _cat hair!_ " She stands up straight and triumphant, possibly expecting applause.

All she gets from you is a quizzical stare. "You're saying all these things got stolen by a white cat? Should we be bringing in Nepeta's lusus?"

She sighs and fills you in: "Your session had the white text guy, Dave's had the teleporting dog, mine had the teleporting cat! And trust me, this is exactly the sort of mischief God Cat would get up to."

Dave lets out a short coolkiddy laugh at the name. "God Cat. Wow. At least Becquerel was a name with, like, even the tiniest grain of imagination behind it."

"Shoosh, you, I think I've got it! GCat, nostalgic for the days when he used to meddle with us four constantly, steals an item from each of us to get us all worked up! And it's worked - we're all in quite a tizzy after this!"

"Objection!" Three can play at that game. Well, okay, Ace Legislacerator is a single player game, but... oh, whatever. You point an accusing finger straight at her: "Your entire case hinges on these hairs being cat hairs! Without that, all this falls apart!"

"But we heard the evidence! Roxy saw a flash or two - one flash would be GCat teleporting in, another would be his escape! Jake was too busy shooting to notice the flashes, and shooting would create quite a ruckus anyway! That, or he was just too absorbed in polishing his gun..."

"Dirk was also too absorbed in polishing his gun," you cackle, your trademark grin spread across your face.

And it's worked: Dave is currently investigating how hard he can facepalm. "Terezi. You have used up your entire innuendo allowance for the fucking year. Now please, never say that again."

Once Jane's finished giggling, she continues: "And Dirk was - yes - and he had his eyes closed, and the room was brightly lit anyway! He wouldn't have noticed a flash! And as for me... well, I'm quite the heavy sleeper!" An open-and-shut case. Almost a disappointment. You were hoping for more from this.

Wanting to at least get some decent investigation out of this, you're already grabbing your coat: "We should check with Dirk, just in case! We need to know those are cat hairs!"

"Whoa, no!" Dave jumps up in a flash and is in front of you in the blink of an eye (or the sniff of a nostril). "You do not just walk into Dirk's house, trust me!"

"Watch me try!" You try to dart past him, but he's too fast!

"At least let me come with you if you're dealing with him!" Another blur and he's got his coat on, ready to intrude on your investigation. Why can't he just let you girls have some fun?

And the other girl here is most certainly up for this: "I'm game! Let's go!"

Unlocking the door, you saunter out followed by your accomplices and partners in (stopping) crime. Looking cool as fuck, with not a single shit given between the three of you.

You are all such badasses.


	2. Chapter 2

"The fuck do you think you're doing?"

Strangely enough, it would seem that Dirk Strider does not like people barging into his human "house" and rummaging around.

You don't care.

"I'm on an investigation, Mr. Strider! Do you want your puppet friend found or what?" you call, pulling open a drawer and taking a deep whiff of its contents.

"Doesn't mean you get to snoop on everything I own!" He pointedly pushes shut the drawer with the oddly-shaped plugs in it, only just missing your nose in the process. "You want to see were Cal was? I'll show you!"

Jane is trying not to giggle. Dave is standing back and facepalming.

Dirk almost frogmarches you into the bedroom. He points you towards a fairly low shelf: "There. That's where he was before he disappeared. Get to work, and I'll yell if you snoop through anything you shouldn't."

"Hey, leave those alone." Dirk's looking over in your direction, glaring at the human garments you've just picked up.

"These could be important evidence!" You take a deep sniff of them. Dave twitches; Dirk stays entirely still. Continuing: "They don't smell like your clothes. Someone else could have broken into your house, this could be important evidence!"

"Yeah, and left all their clothes behind? That's a completely reasonable thing to do."

"Then what is your explanantion for these articles of clothing, Mister Strider?"

"They... belong to an ex. Just let it go."

You consider yourself something of a Strider expert. You can detect the twitch of a single facial muscle and deduce exactly what he's hiding behind those shades. Every attempt at stoicism just reveals more and more to your keen nose. Strider may try to hide his emotions, but all that does is reveal all the more.

Well, okay, _Dave_ Strider. You can read him like an open book.

You can read Dirk Strider like a book that's been closed up, locked away, soaked in water until the words are unintelligible and then thrown into a furnace for good measure.

Not breaking eye contact -- despite the fact that you can't actually look him in the eye, per se -- you put the clothes back where they were. "Let's continue the investigation, Jane."

***

INFORMATION:

THE CITY OF CAN TOWN (YES, EVEN THOUGH THAT'S REDUNDANT -- NO ONE HAS THE HEART TO HOLD IT AGAINST THE MAYOR) IS INHABITED BY THE ALPHA TIMELINE VERSIONS OF EVERY INDIVIDUAL EVER INVOLVED WITH SBURB/SGRUB, REGARDLESS OF SPECIES. THE ONLY EXCEPTIONS ARE VILLAINS SUCH AS CALIBORN AND THE CONDESCE, WHO ARE GIVEN THE VIP (VERY IMPORTANT PRISONER) TREATMENT IN DERSE PENITENTIARY. 

THE INHABITANTS OF EACH DOOMED TIMELINE (BESIDES THE VILLAINOUS ONES, WHO ARE KEPT IN THE CITIES' OWN PRISONS) RESIDE IN THEIR OWN CITIES FURTHER OUT. THERE IS OFTEN TRANSPORT BETWEEN THESE CITIES AND CAN TOWN. ALTERNATE SELVES OFTEN END UP BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER. THIS CAUSES CONFUSION, TO SAY THE LEAST.

SOME PEOPLE FIND THEIR HIGH QUANTITY OF ALTERNATE SELVES RUNNING ABOUT VERY DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH. OTHERS EMBRACE THEM. NEPETA IN PARTICULAR IS KNOWN FOR AMASSING HERSELF IN GROUPS OF FIFTY OR MORE. KANKRIS ALSO ROAM THE WORLD, HOMING IN ON PROBLEMATIC SLURS WHEREVER THEY CAN BE FOUND.

***

The doorbell rings.

Disregarding Dirk's protests, you rush over there and answer it to be greeted by...

... a purple turtle, with a giant sparkly fuchsia T-shirt (which you could swear has come straight out of Meenah's wardrobe) stretched awkwardly over its shell, chirping to you with the forced smile only door-to-door salesmen can manage: "Good afternoon! Would you like to join our glorious cause?"

"Ugh, I would like my fist to join your face!" You slam the door.

You turn back to the others: every single one of them is staring at you in shock. It's the sort of stare that will even penetrate the raddest of shades with absolute horror.

"What?" You were in the middle of an investigation! An interruption was the last thing you needed there.

"That was incredibly rude, Terezi!" Jane exclaims."

Dave shoves his father/older brother/younger brother/whatever (human "families" are something you'll never get the hang of) forward. "C'mon, bro, talk her over. Tell her how many kinds of wrong that was."

"You say I make it sound like a cult," Dirk argues.

"Excuse me! We were in the middle of an investigation! We must be professional about this, and that is exactly the opposite of how you are behaving now!" You hit the light switch, plunging the room into darkness, to set the tone: "No interruptions. Just cold, hard facts, from which we may eventually extract the precious truth. Jane!"

Jane sighs. "Alright. Well, I've spent enough time around Roxy to know that it was certainly cat hair there. And there were only a few of them, so this wasn't a case of some scoundrel placing them there to frame GCat!"

"They had the smell of mischief on them," you sneer. Mischievous or not, crime cannot be tolerated!

Dirk's nonplussed. "Mischief ain't a thing you can smell."

"Shut up, it totally is!" Well. Sometimes. Not really? But you are entirely sure that if you were to contact some sort of hair expert on this, their analysis would undoubtedly confirm that these are THE MOST MISCHIEVOUS HAIRS EVER TO HAVE EXISTED! Take that, Strider.

"Okay, we got it, it was the omnipotent cat or whatever," says the other Strider. "What now?"

"What now?" (That phrase resonates with you for some reason. You almost feel compelled to... dance?) "We find our criminal and we serve justice!"

"That's all very well, Terezi --" there's a sudden note of exasperation in Jane's voice -- "but you may be forgetting something here! We're not just dealing with your average moggy here; we called him God Cat for a reason!"

Is that... more white hair you smell? You can barely make it out in the dark, but...

Hang on, your phone's ringing! Train of thought lost, you answer automatically:

TEREZI: T3R3Z1 PYROP3, 4C3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR! N33D H3LP TR4CK1NG DOWN 4 CR1M1N4L? 1LL SN1FF 3M OUT!  
JOHN: hi, um... i don't know if this actually involves a criminal or anything? but i've heard you were investigating the missing items reported in the mangle earlier.  
JOHN: because i just lost a thing too, and i think it might be related.  
TEREZI: TH3N PL34S3, M1ST3R 3GB3RT, DO GO ON >:]  
JOHN: the thing is... when all the people were contacting me about their missing items earlier, i kinda noticed a pattern.  
JOHN: all the items were what they came down to earth with as paradox babies!  
TEREZI: TH4T 1S V3RY 1NT3R3ST1NG >:O  
JOHN: so, just now, i went to check if i still had mine. you see, i had a joke book with me from birth!  
JOHN: except now, it's vanished!  
TEREZI: SO TH3YR3 ST34L1NG 4LL TH3 1T3MS YOU 4RR1V3D ON YOUR LOV3LY BLU3B3RRY 4ND L1M3 PL4N3T W1TH?  
JOHN: yes, that's what i think is going on.  
TEREZI: HMM!  
TEREZI: BUT WHY?  
JOHN: well, that's your job to figure out why, isn't it?  
TEREZI: 1 W4S TH1NK1NG OUT LOUD, DUMB4SS! >:P  
TEREZI: T3LL M3, WH4T 1T3MS D1D TH3 OTH3R HUM4NS H4V3 W1TH TH3M 4T TOUCHDOWN?  
JOHN: well, rose had a stuffed bunny. and did you know... that it was the very same bunny that starred in con air??!  
JOHN: you know, "put the bunny back in the box"!  
JOHN: how unbelievable is that!  
TEREZI: WH1L3 TH4T M4Y B3... F4SC1N4T1NG  
TEREZI: 1 4M MOR3 1NT3R3ST3D 1N TH3 C4S3 R1GHT NOW  
JOHN: oh, yes, sorry.  
JOHN: anyway, jade had the same bunny i think? but further along in the timeline, so that it was patched up with purple knitting.  
JOHN: and dave... i think dave had a pony with a pink heart on it, haha!   
TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4!!!!  
TEREZI: TH4NK YOU, 1 4M GO1NG TO T34S3 H1M 4BOUT TH4T FOR3V3R  
JOHN: heheh. yes, i am too.  
JOHN: anyway, good luck with your investi--

_Click._

JOHN: why do you care, anyway? it's not like it matters.

His voice is... odd. Almost spiteful. It's like you're talking to someone entirely different.

TEREZI: 1 TOLD YOU 1 W4S ON TH3 C4S3!  
JOHN: it's a pretty boring case, if you ask me.  
TEREZI: HUH?????  
JOHN: if you're calling me up to make me put it in the mangle tomorrow, don't bother, i don't care.  
TEREZI: BUT YOU W3R3 TH3 ON3 WHO C4LL3D M3!  
JOHN: it doesn't matter! i'm not interested, and you probably shouldn't waste any more of your time on this bullshit anyway.  
JOHN: bye.  
TEREZI: W4--

And he's hung up on you! What the hell?

Anyway, back to business. Weren't you sniffing something out? You could swear you'd smelt more of that cat hair... nothing now though. Must have been a false alarm. 

You look back at everyone el-- is Jane leaving? Without you?!

"What happened to the investigation?"

"It's over!" she says, not even looking at you. You scent the lights being turned on; your atmosphere of investigation evaporates. "God Cat did it. We established this. Is there a point in staying any longer?"

She swings open the door and slams it behind her.

"Wow, rude!" you sigh, though slightly perturbed. You've never seen Jane act like that. Especially when there's gumshoeing to do! To the Striders, then: "You still want our criminal caught, don't you? We need to retrieve your puppet friend!"

"Nah, not worth the trouble," Dirk shrugs. "I can cope without the C-man, it's no biggie." 

"What?!" This doesn't make any sense! Your mind's racing, trying to understand the sudden change in tune, but nothing's coming! "You said this was a matter of public safety! And that it's very important that we find him! What happened to that?"

He doesn't even bother responding to that! This is infuriating!

"It's a matter of public safety that no one ever finds it again... that thing gives me the creeps..." Dave mumbles.

It's a matter of public safety that you restrain yourself from fucking strangling them both here and now!

Making your very best effort to not explode, you march out the door (almost slamming the thing off its hinges) and race after Jane.

There is something _very_ wrong here. And you are getting to the bottom of it, no matter what!

**Author's Note:**

> Whoever can figure out the code behind the phone numbers (the last four digits of all of them each have a special meaning to them that I devised individually, because obviously I don't waste enough time already) gets AN INTERNET POINT! This is a thing that I have just made up and is completely useless but I can guarantee it is TOTALLY A THING YOU WANT. Obviously.
> 
> This is an entirely prompt-driven series! If you want to leave a prompt, just make your way over to [The Shady Alleyway](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1159596) **[note: comments section includes major spoilers for upcoming fics in the series, so be warned!]** Feel free to include any character you want in them! This is a Post-Sburb AU where everyone -- and I do mean _everyone_ , from carapacians to consorts to doomed selves to every dead Nepeta ever to have existed -- has been brought back to life, so go wild!


End file.
